Inside

I realized something. Well, maybe not just realized it but denied it for the longest time.

I can’t seem to look people in the eyes. Maybe brief glances but never for too long.

I don’t know why this is (for me at least). There are probably a thousand reasons, excuses, and theories as to why a person can’t look someone in the eyes for too long.  For some people, it’s a phobia. They could be paranoid thinking, “If I look this person in the eyes they are going to know how terrible of a person I think that I am and they are never going to want to see or hear from me again.” I can understand that. 

Actually, hold it right there. A phobia. Maybe I have a phobia of looking people in the eyes. All my life, I’ve always had people say to me, “Look at me when I’m talking to you. Why can’t you look me in the face?” etc. etc…

Christ, at my own wedding at the courthouse, I seriously couldn’t even look my own husband in the eyes when saying my vows to him. I looked at the floor. And everyone seemed to jump my shit afterwards as to WHY I couldn’t look him in the face. They were describing to me their frustrations upon seeing me meekly mumble my vows to the FLOOR. Saying to themselves, “Emily! Look up! Emily come on…look at him!” Of course, this brought on a series of arguments assuming that I didn’t love him and therefore wasn’t good enough for him (whether it was said out of anger or truth, I don’t know. I am told it was merely out of anger but sometimes the truth comes out when you’re angry. Sometimes.)

Well, when I’m angry at people I can look them dead in the eyes and say whatever obscenities come to mind. This has been pointed out to me and as I think back on times where I’ve been caught in a hurricane of rage, I clearly see it. I wasn’t yelling at the floor. 

What does that say about me? That I can be quick to cut someone with my words while looking them in the eyes but I can’t when giving promises of forever faithfulness?  I swear, I really wonder about myself. 

This whole discussion turns me back to an old blog entry I wrote on fetishes and how I had a fetish with a person’s hands. That I could clearly recall anyone’s hands in my mind, how they moved, grabbed, pulled, scratched (wow this all sounds so dirty but it’s not). But I also remember myself saying that I couldn’t look into their eyes.  I really wish I could turn back those stubborn as hell hands of time and look my goddamn husband in the eyes during our wedding vows. That I truly regret. 

I guess I just didn’t want him to see.