I've received several concerned facebook messages over the past 6 or so months about my blog. This online blog, one of the many outlets to the outside world that I do have, has seemed to cause quite a stir. I never really saw it before but I guess a lot of my posts take on a "melancholy" rhythm to them soon turning into an orchestra of harsh notes about myself and the world.
What can I say? I'm a melancholy sort of person.
But it has gotten to the point where I'm starting to watch what I type on here, what I choose to reveal to the world, while not a lot, still more than what I would like people to know. I guess so many people (a whole whopping 7 subscribers!) feel that I'm not in "touch" with a higher being or that I play with the idea of death in my mind. While both of those are somewhat true (and I appreciate my friend's concerns), I use this online blog as a way to release certain emotions that I don't feel like writing down in my physical journal. This poses it's own "problems" (or should I say "anxieties?" I think that term is more correct).
First off, I feel critiqued on these "musings", which is perfectly okay because I love to be critiqued. I feel that there is ALWAYS room for improvement, especially in the world of writing. Except when writing these entries, I know that anyone can read them and therefore I am consistently second-guessing myself on the EXACT word that PRECISE word in which to impress my readers. Not saying this is a bad thing, but god does it send me into a tizzy when writing these blasted things. I'm a perfectionist. If it's not right, god help me for i have sinned i wrote the wrong sentence.
Second thing...I've actually second-guessed it and decided not to type it.
Finally, I don't write as much on here as I do in my physical journal. I like being able to take my journal with me so that I can write anywhere when the mood strikes. I write more than my blog suggests but the people subscribed aren't going to know that. I feel like I am seen a "lazy writer" or some schlock that my stupid brain repeats in my head echoing it's nonsense. And even as I typed that, I still believe the former. I assume people think all the writing I do is my lousy, emotional posts that are about as long as a slice of bread.
In fact, go get a piece of bread and measure this post.