Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Absolute perfect time to write according to me is after I’ve taken Ambien to sleep.  This way, random things come to mind easier, it’s easier to just keep the flow of typing running along without making much sense since I’m already kind of out of it but with fun music and the late hour, it almost seems really surreal. I wanna stay in this fun state for a long time if I could. I wish I could look at the world this way with such intent and hopefulness in the people that I know and god I know this doesn’t make any sense but as I’m typing this is makes perfect sense to me in my mind as it rolls on through. My mind being the controller as my hands are the slaves trying to catch up with my mind as they type away trying to figure out my brain’s code to transfer over to my fingertips. The music isn’t helping oh god the music isn’t helping. The music is making me think of good times, bad times, sad times, all at a mile a minute so now my heart feels emotionally confused as to what to what it should be feeling like. I thank the Flashbulb for this by the way. It is indeed my writing music. My writing music that I can’t seem to stop listening to music. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I could keep up with my astronomy and physics major when I move away…a part of me doesn’t feel as smart anymore because of the depression and no motivation to do anything but even  as I’m typing out sad things, I feel happy because on ambien (and listening to ambient music haha I wonder if that’s how they came up with the name for ambient…)  I feel like I’m on a cloud in the sky in the earth in Maryland in Frederick in my house in my basement in my couch. Hell maybe I should just start taking a half of ambien to get me through the day making me happy hell I almost feel high and the only thing that I really want to do is write write write whatever comes to mind and I know I do these exercises frequently, this isn’t an exercise, merely me just typing a lot without worry to spelling, punctuation and organizing my thoughts in these essays that I write in my blog for mainly Rob Anderson to read and whoever else lurks on my blog. I’m trying to continue with this but not the song changed and I feel weird so I need to switch to to something different so I can continue this writing spree. Prefect okay. What do I see if I close my eyes listening to this song? It starts out like a black hole in the universe except instead of leaving the black hole, you decide to be stretched for eternity and while you are being stretched you think about your life and whats in it. The beginning of your life, your childhood, the popsicles at grandma’s house, running around barefoot in the summertime, I had a tan and blonde hair how is that even possible I wish I could tan again. I’m trying I swear I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Then you go into that area where you start meeting friends and it speeds up and everything sound a little more clear, the notes, rhythm, the beat, synths, piano, it all forms together and isn’t blurry anymore upon being previously stretched. The farther you go, the more clearly things can be seen including maybe mistakes but mostly just fond memories and then memories you can’t forget even if they were bad but you are stretching on and on past them…on to your future.

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